The Best of Spike
Spike's Greetings Spike on being a vampire Spike on fun
Spike on love Spike on Angel Spike on food
Spike on pain Spike on War Spike on himself
Spike on Buffy Spike on Common Sense Spike on the Scooby Gang
Spike on History Spike Interactions Spike on Weapons
"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
"I love syphilis more than you."
"I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away."
"The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other again like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave."
“I don’t want to hurt you, baby. Doesn’t mean I won’t.”
"Oh, pouty. Look at that lip. Gonna get it. Gonna... get it."
"Some people find pain...very inspirational." (WML1)
"Hurts, doesn't it?" (Innocence)
"Painful, isn't it?" (Becoming, Part 2)
"I don't want to hurt you, baby. Doesn't mean I won't." (Becoming, Part 2)
"Oh, do it again. It tickles. You know, in a good way."
"Do you know what I found worked real good with Slayers? Killing them." (School Hard)
"Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time." (School Hard)
"Slaaayer! Here, kitty, kittyyy. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in."
"Fe, fi, fo fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe girl." (School Hard)
"You don't strike me as the begging kind." (SH)
“A slayer with family and friends, that sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.” (SH)
"She's tricky. Baby likes to play." (Halloween)
"It's that bloody Slayer! Whenever I turn around she's muckin' up the works." (WML1)
"I'd rather be fightin' you anyway." (WML2)
"Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression." (BBB)
"Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth."
"Trouble? She's the gnat in my ear. The gristle in my teeth. She's the bloody thorn in my bloody side!"
"I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding."
"I'll take her apart. I don't care how brilliant she is."
"By the by, if you're trying to kill her..." (big smile, thumbs-up gesture)
"Well, you and your great poof here want to tag along, that's fine."
"Got to hand it to you, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I got a cousin married to a regurgitating Froglocsteem that's got better instincts than you."
"The gem of Amarra. Official sponsor of my killing you."
"If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually here, it would've been like Woodstock." (SH)
"I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move." (SH)
"People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!" (SH)
"We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got...dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real...passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Picadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?" (Becoming, Part 2)
"You were my sire, man! You were my...Yoda!" (SH)
"Keep your hole shut!" (WML2)
"Aren't you a throw-himself-to-the-lions sort of sap these days. Well, the lions are on to you, baby." (WML2)
"No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?" (Innocence)
"Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know." (Innocence)
"Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds." (Passion)
"If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!" (Passion)
"Our man Angel here likes to talk, but he's not much for action. All hat and no cattle." (IOHEFY)
"Someone wasn't worthy." (Becoming, Part 1)
"Yeah. I need a curse. A curse! Y'know, something nasty. Boils. I wanna give him boils all over his face. You know, dripping pustules. Let's really go for the gusto here." (LW)
"Leprosy! Alright, a spell that makes his parts fall off. That sounds proper." (LW)
"Too bad, Angelus. Looks like you go the hard way, along with the rest of this miserable town."
"And when did you become all soul-having again? I thought you out-grew that."
"Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet." (SH)
"My black goddess. My ripe, wicked plum." (WML2)
"You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day." (Innocence)
"She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was the truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft - wasn't demon enough for the likes of her." (LW)
"It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was...she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a *chaos* demon! Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting." (LW)
"Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this - weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just got to be the man I was. The man she loved. I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again. Love's a funny thing."
"She's out of her mind. That's what I miss most about her."
"No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally. You got any of those little marshmallows?"
"Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up." (SH)
"Come on, people! This isn't a spectator sport!" (SH)
"Talk, and I'll have your guts for garters." (WML2)
"He's a wanker, but he's the only one we've got with half a brain. If he fails, you could eat his eyes out of his sockets for all I care." (Surprise)
"Yeah. It's interesting to me that 'preparing' looks a great bit like sitting on your ass!" (Innocence)
“Hey! White flag here. I quit." (Becoming, Part 2)
"Now we just let them come to a simmering boil, and remove to a low flame."
"When we get there, everybody spread out. Two men on the door. First priority is the Slayer, everything else is fair game, and let's remember to share, people."
"Now it's four against one, which are the kind of odds I like to play."
"You won. All right? You came in, and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, 'I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it.'"
"It's kill or be killed here, take your bloody pick."
"Sorry, can't stay. Got to go see a girl."
"I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks."
"What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot? It's not very industrious of you. I say, we go out there, and kick a little demon ass. What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her. She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty. Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil. Let's kill something. Oh, come on!"
Giles: "I don't like this feeling. This sort of mindless need to destroy. This anger, rage."
Spike: "Good times. Go with it."
Spike: "It's fun. I can't do it. Do it for me. Let yourself go!"
"You just try to stop me, you stupid jarheads... "
"It's paradise. Big windows, lovely gardens. It'll be perfect when we want the sunlight to kill us." (IOHEFY)
"It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big." (Becoming, Part 1)
"Look, you cut him up, you'll never get your answers."
(Becoming, Part 2)
"You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet." (Becoming, Part 2)
"Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass."
"This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed."
Spike: "You made a bear!"
Buffy: "I didn't mean to."
Spike: "Undo it! Undo it!"
Spike: "I look like a plumber to you?"
Xander: "No. You look like a big mooch who doesn't lift a finger around here. But I have to get to work."
Spike: "Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated."
Buffy: "There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception..."
Spike: "Well, first thing, I'd say we're not having a church wedding."
Buffy: "How about a daytime ceremony, in the park?"
Spike: "Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust."
Buffy: "Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only."
Spike: "A warm spring breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again, you're registering as Mr. & Mrs. Big-Pile-of-Dust."
"Oh, sure. Dismantle the getaway car. That'll scare them."
Buffy: "Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for you."
Spike: "Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub, drinking pigs blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide."
Giles: "Some sort of illumination emanating from it. It's blinking."
Spike: "I don't care if it's playing "Rockin' the Casbah" on the bloody Jew's Harp, just get it out of me!"
"From now on, we're gonna' have a little less ritual...and a little more fun around here!" (SH)
"Now, that was fun. Oh, don't tell me that wasn't fun. God! It's been so long since I had a decent spot of violence. Really puts things in perspective."
"What a fabulous day. Birds singin', squirrels making lots of rotten little squirrels, sun beamin' down in a nice non-fatal way. It's very exciting. Can't wait to see if I freckle."
Spike: "I'll give you a choice. Now, I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But... I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me."
Willow: "I'll scream."
Spike: "Come on, now! It's telly time! 'Passions' is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll..."
Giles: "Do what? Lick me to death?"
"I'm a veal kind of guy, you're too old to eat...but not to kill. I feel better." (SH)
"Oh, lay off. You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege - you'd think one of you'd bleed a little."
Spike: "We're out of weetabix."
Giles: "We are out of weetabix because you ate it all. Again. Spike: "Get some more."
Giles: "I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood."
Spike: "Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture."
Giles: "Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself."
"Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead."
Spike: "Like I'd bite you, anyway."
Xander: "Oh, you would."
Spike: "Not bloody likely."
Xander: "I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious."
Spike: "All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat."
"I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag!" (SH)
"What can I say? I couldn't wait." (SH)
"I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?" (SH)
"I'm a bad, rude man." (LTM)
"I don't go much for tradition." (LTM)
"I've never been much for the pre-show." (WML2)
"And more, much more than this, I did it my way!!"
"Watch your mouth, little girl. You should know better than to tempt the fates that way. 'Cause the big bad is back, and this time, it's--" (zap!)
"I'm only 126!"
"I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies any more."
"I mean, am I even remotely scary anymore? Tell me the truth."
"That's right! I'm back, and I'm a bloody animal! Yeah!"
"Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad. It's just... I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers."
"Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance. And besides, I'm beyond pathetic."
"And, by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?"
"And I don't want you crawling back here knocking on my door, pleading for help the second teen witch's magic goes all wonky, or little Xander cuts a new tooth."
"I came to you in friendship. Well, all right, seething hatred..."
"That's it. You're off the usher list."
"Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable." Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like, "Like to crush. Crush now?"
Spike on History
Spike: Nice work, love. (SH)
Buffy: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy: What happens on Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.
Angel: "Leave her alone!" (Surprise)
Spike: "Yeah, that'll work. Now say 'Pretty please'."
Joyce: "Have we met?" (B2)
Spike: "You hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'Get the hell away from my daughter!'"
Spike: "Help me! What part of 'help me' do you not understand?"
Buffy: "The part where I help you."
Spike: "Come on, I'm parboiling out here."
Buffy: "Want me to help make it quicker?"
Spike: "Invite me in!"
Harmony: "Bastard! You dumped me, and staked me, and hurt me, and left me..."
Spike: "I know, sugar, but you're forgetting one other thing I did. I missed you."
Spike: "Forever and ever, mon petite creme brulee."
Harmony: "Ooh, Italian!"
Spike: "And after that, it's all you and me, my little mentholated pack of smokes."
Harmony: "Spikey, let's leave the Slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around, and I can do that."
Buffy: "Besides, it's kind of my job."
Spike: "For now."
Buffy: "What, you want me to stop working?"
Spike: "Well, let's see - do I want you to give up killing my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought."
Spike: "Ooh, fluffy. Wear this to the rehearsal dinner, and the whole thing's off."
Buffy: "Shut up, honey."
Spike: "If they get in, I don't know if I can protect you."
Buffy: "You think you have to protect me?"
Spike: "Oh, not with the girl-power bit!"
Xander: "Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people."
Spike: "You think that would work?"
Spike: "Bloody hell, woman. You're cuttin' off my circulation."
Buffy: "You don't have any circulation."
Spike: "Well, it pinches."
Buffy: "You're a pig, Spike."
Spike: "Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance."
Buffy: "All right, talk."
Spike: "I'm just gonna kill this guy..."
Spike: "Oh, right."
Spike: "I don't like him. He's insipid. Clearly human."
Buffy: "Oh! Red paint. We can smear a little on the mouth. The blood of the innocent."
Spike: "That's my girl!"
Buffy: "Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike"? 'Cause either way, it's gonna look majorly weird."
Spike: "Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance."
Buffy: "What's wrong with "Buffy"?"
Giles: "Oh, such a good question."
Spike: "Well, it's a terrible name."
Buffy: "My mother gave me that name."
Spike: "Your mother. Yeah, she's a genius."
Buffy: "Don't you start on my mother!"
Harmony: "Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?"
Harmony: "Oh. Can I make him a vampire?"
Spike: "No. Wait. On second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do
Melanie and the kids as well."
Spike: "I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before."
Willow: "Maybe you were nervous."
Spike: "I felt all right when we started. Let's try again. (grr!) Damn it!"
Willow: "Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?"
Spike: "Not to me, it doesn't!"
Willow: "It's me, isn't it?"
Spike: "What are you talking about?"
Willow: "Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around."
Willow: "I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'Oh, you're such a good friend.'"
Spike: "Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a hearbeat."
Spike: "Thought about it."
Spike: "Remember last year? You had on that... fuzzy pink number with the lilac nderneath?"
Willow: "I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool."
Spike: "I hate being obvious. All fangy and 'grr!' Takes the mystery out."
Willow: "But if you could..."
Spike: "If I could, yeah."
Willow: "You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying."
Spike: "Don't patronize me!"
Spike: "Willow, tell 'em what I did."
Willow: "You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy."
Spike: "Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you."
Xander: "Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing an apocalypse."
Spike: "Really? You're not just saying that?"
Spike: "You. Kids your age are going off to university. You've made it as far as the basement. And Red here - you couldn't even keep dog-boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but..."
Willow: "I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you."
Spike: "Am not! I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am."
Willow: "We're not useless. We- we help people. We fight the forces of evil."
Spike: "Buffy fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies."
Spike: "'Xander, don't you care about me?'"
Xander: "Shut up."
Spike: "'We never talk.'"
Xander: "Shut up."
Xander: "SHUT UP!"
Spike: "Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home."
Giles: "Ah, yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your, um, mud."
Spike: "I'll admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it?"
Riley: "What's he doing here?"
Spike: "Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that."
Giles: "You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being-killed."
Spike: "And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?"
Giles: "You help me, and I- I don't kill you."
Spike: "Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter."
Spike: "Look, the buggers shot me, in the back."
Giles: "Remind me, why should I help you?"
Spike: "Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freaking cavalry."
Giles: "No, you can come up with a better answer than that. Why should I help you?"
Spike: "Oh, because I helped you. When you turned into that Fyarl demon, I helped you, didn't I?"
Giles: "And that was out of the evilness of your heart?"
Spike: "Oh, hell no. I made you pay me. (pause) You right bastard."
Giles: "It doesn't appear to be a bullet, and it's too deeply embedded to be a tranquilizer dart."
Spike: "Also not tranquil!"
Giles: "Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eyebeams?"
Spike: "Well, you got the mucous thing."
Giles: "What? Mucous?"
Spike: "Paralyzing mucous. It shoots out through the nose. Sets up fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight."
Giles: "Are you making this up?"
Spike: "Maybe. But hey, if you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me."
Giles: "She seems to be coping better with Oz's departure, don't you think?"
Buffy: "Well, she still has a way to go, but... yeah. I think she's dealing."
Spike: "What, are you people blind? She's hangin' on by a thread. Any ninny can see that."
Xander: "That's my radio."
Spike: "And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil."
Anya: "So what kind of place are you looking for?"
Spike: "I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this."
Anya: "It's pretty depressing, isn't it?"
Spike: "I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one."
Spike on Weapons
"I just like them. They make me feel all manly." (SH)